Is My Boyfriend Autistic? 5 characteristics that I have considered

Is my boyfriend autistic? s the fifth query on search engines when you type in the words “is my boyfriend...”

I got a small chuckle out of this. I can’t say that I haven’t asked myself this same exact question, and similar ones, in my personal life. I have questioned if my boyfriend is autistic on more than one occasion. 

I decided to give it a shot. The community wants to know, is my boyfriend autistic? And I am here for my community to provide guidance whenever possible. I’m feeling up for the challenge of attempting to share my insight on this topic as it is a fun challenge that I am happy to tackle on this chilly Saturday evening in November. 

Please note that this blog is for fun, this is not therapeutic or diagnostic advice; this is me sharing insights from my own lived experience. If someone wishes to pursue formal autism assessment, they should contact a qualified, licensed mental health provider who specializes in autism. We are happy to schedule a consultation for an autism assessment anytime.

Let’s get into it.

So, is your boyfriend autistic? There’s no easy answer or quiz that aims to specifically answer this. 

I can share what I’ve noticed in my own relationship that has led me to wonder if my boyfriend is autistic. This is a combination of qualities that clearly became a pattern over time. 
 

1. Sensory differences
   From very early on in our relationship, it became apparent that specific types of touch would physically make him cringe and recoil. My boyfriend is extremely sensory-avoidant when it comes to touch and texture. This alone wasn’t enough for me to start questioning if he was autistic, but it was a definite adjustment period for me to get used to. I am extremely sensory seeking when it comes to touch, at all times I am seeking sensory feedback via my hands and feet. Without even realizing it, I was triggering a very uncomfortable and involuntary sensory response for his body.
   
   Example: While holding hands, if I rubbed/brushed my fingers back and forth on his hand, as both a love language and fidget for me, he would report feeling physical chills. I quickly had to learn that light touches and brushes were a no-go in our relationship. A middle ground was found. Deep pressure is acceptable for both of our sensory “diets.” I can squeeze his hand, but not brush it with my fingers. 
   
   There are many other examples of sensory issues;I could write an entire blog about sensory differences in neurodiverse relationships and how they do not always align. 
    

2. Intense, repetitive interests. 
   This was a characteristic that was not immediately apparent to me either as a manifestation of potential autism for my boyfriend. Of course I thought it was amazing that my boyfriend was so passionate in many areas, but this didn’t strike me as an autistic quality until later on. I just simply wrote it off as general passion and enthusiasm as a personality trait.
   
   After a while, it became apparent that his involvement, participation, and at times, obsession, with certain things are experienced at a significantly more intense level than what is considered a “neurotypical interest.” 
   
   He spends hours and hours engaging in his hobbies, to the extent that it is difficult and nearly impossible to stop or refocus his energy. He will watch hundreds of videos and learn all there is to know about it. He will think and talk about it even when no one else is thinking or talking about it. 
   
   Example: We have taken several vacations to Hawai’i. It is my spiritual home and my favorite place in the entire world. I was excited to share its beauty with him. Little did I know, this was going to become much deeper than just a beloved travel destination that we shared. He became obsessed with both the place and the culture. He’s learning the language, and will talk about it at length to random people even if it is out of context or unprompted. We have been listening to Hawaiian music the entire day and it still plays as I write this blog. He almost never wishes to listen to any other type of music. He almost never wishes to wear anything other than his favorite hoodies that he bought there. This is absolutely one of his special interests, amongst a few others. 
    

3. Repetition 
   He is the type to watch videos and listen to the same songs over and over again. He also repeats words and phrases quite often, on a regular basis (stimming). My boyfriend sings the same line of a song over and over again. This is a quality that is uniquely autistic and probably one of the most prominent reasons why I have considered if my boyfriend is autistic.
   
   Routine: We also frequent the same spots, take similar routes, and eat similar foods. We do venture outside of what is familiar or usual for us, but by far, he is a person of habit. 

4. Social differences
   At first, I thought he was a very social and outgoing person. Everyone loves him and he can be a very entertaining person to be around. He can get up in front of a crowd and be the “life of the party.” He seems so comfortable, and actually appears to thrive, in social settings. This is in stark contrast to me, who is very shy, introverted, and a socially-awkward type of person. For years, I never considered if my boyfriend is autistic because I would write him off based on this outgoing quality alone. But I was wrong! Autistic people can absolutely be extroverted.
   
   I started to realize that although he could be very high-energy around people, it became clear that this took a lot of energy out of him. The truth is, although he could participate in social gatherings “successfully” when he needs to, most often, he actually avoids social gatherings altogether. He is uncomfortable in large crowds. I notice that he often avoids phone calls, and gets burnt out by talking just as much as I do. He also needs a significant amount of time to rest and recover after socially-demanding events. Being able to “perform” socially doesn’t mean someone actually enjoys doing it. His ability to make and maintain relationships is limited to a small circle of consistent people. Although extremely friendly, he doesn’t really expend the time and effort that neurotypical people spend on creating/maintaining lasting relationships beyond acquaintanceships. This was a much more subtle quality that made me curious if my boyfriend is autistic, although now it is quite obvious to me.
    

5. Communication differences 
   Another quality that I have actually heard from several other people who are curious if their boyfriend is autistic－communication differences. My boyfriend not only monologues without pausing for his communication partner, but he also does not ask follow up questions.
   
   I have a very simple way to illustrate this. 
   
   Example: If I say I had a good, bad, or long day, he does not automatically ask what happened, or ask for clarification, or expand on the conversation. There have been times where I have reminded him “ask me how my day was.” At first, this may be interpreted as lack of interest or engagement, when really, it is just a difference in communication style. He expects that if information is important or relevant to share,  it would be shared automatically without the careful neurotypical dance of back-and-forth questions and answers.

The final theme that is worth mentioning, and possibly the reason I have considered the absolute most, is something intangible that can’t be labeled or quantified. It is perhaps the most significant contributor of all when questioning if my boyfriend is autistic (and even leads me to regularly question this about other loved ones in my life). It’s the autistic “vibe check.” Again, this is not diagnostic or therapeutic advice, but there is a phenomenon that seems to happen with me －and others in the community have confirmed this experience－that when you are autistic, many of the people in your close circle also tend to be autistic or otherwise neurodivergent in some way. 

The simple fact that he is dating me and seems to understand my unique differences, experiences, and challenges, without me having to burn myself out explaining it like I have to do with most neurotypical people, leads me to believe that he himself is not neurotypical. Also, I can unmask around him. Unmasking is something that only happens naturally for me when I’m in the presence of other autistic people. Simply being able to be myself and connect in a way that is almost impossible for me to do with allistic people, is a foundational precursor before I even begin my speculation process. 

I avoid the urge to diagnose people around me, and I’m not confirming that my boyfriend is autistic, but the combination of characteristics is certainly enough for me to at least suspect it. He is not interested in pursuing this information further and that’s okay, but I can tell you that he did feel represented by this blog.

After I read this to him, he simply stated “That’s me.” I am also happy to report that he chose to print this blog out and is sharing it with his coworkers so they can understand him better. (It might be especially helpful the next time they urge him to attend an extracurricular social event that he doesn’t want to go to!)