Unmasking as an Autistic Adult

Even though we’re always told to just be ourselves, it’s easier said than done. There’s a multitude of reasons why certain people and areas may not be a safe, comfortable, or welcoming space to share your authentic self with no filter. We didn’t learn or adapt to masking as a practice for fun; we developed it over time through necessity after getting judged, bullied, criticized, ostracized, harmed, and/or traumatized. While we all want to feel comfortable to be who we are, it can be difficult to show one’s authentic self to the world. It becomes even harder when you’re different from what the majority considers “acceptable.”

Virtually everyone knows, works with, shares space with or at least has met at least one autistic person, whether they realize it or not. There’s probably a great number of autistic people they have shared space with, but that doesn’t mean that it is acknowledged, recognized, or supported. Many autistic people hide, suppress, or mask their autistic traits, to do exactly that — to better fit in with their peers and avoid the consequences of being othered. Some high-masking autistic people have been masking for so long, and it has been so subconsciously ingrained to constantly filter and adjust how they present, that it can become difficult to even remember or unlock who they really are underneath the mask. In fact some autistic people have forgotten what it’s like to unmask to the point where it’s an intentional (sometimes uncomfortable and confusing) exercise to unmask even by themselves in private.

We’re going to talk about the basics of masking, as well as the steps you can take to begin the unmasking process when you’re ready, willing, and safe to do so.

The basics of masking

The major traits of autism can make an individual stand out from their peers, including but not limited to differences in communication, sensory sensitivity, stimming, aversion to eye contact, and intense interests. While these differences aren’t anything to be ashamed or embarrassed of, some autistic people have had to mask as a protective measure to prevent harm and discrimination against them, get and keep their jobs, make and maintain relationships, please others, blend in with neuronormative society, and more.

Suppressing your autistic traits from those around you, known as masking or camouflaging, can be done in a few different ways. Masking behaviors may include, but are not limited to:

Matching the behaviors, gestures and tone of neurotypical people around you
Deliberately controlling your facial expressions
Creating a set of specific responses to use during conversations (scripting)
Minimizing your interest in specific topics or adopting interests that are more “typical”
Pushing through sensory overload
Forgoing your own boundaries to please others
Suppressing stimming behaviors
Participating in social events and expectations that are uncomfortable or undesirable
Forcing eye contact during conversations

Why autistic people mask

Even though many autistic individuals may mask to some degree, research has shown that it’s most common in AFAB girls and women vs. AMAB boys and men. Increased tendency to mask is one of the reasons why so many autistic women and girls get missed or misdiagnosed.

Autistic BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and gender nonconforming individuals also have an increased need to mask as a protective measure against potential violence and brutality against them. A Black autistic person openly stimming at a traffic stop, or having difficulty processing/responding to orders from police, is at risk. An autistic queer person openly stimming in public makes them more vulnerable to risk. An autistic woman having a meltdown from being catcalled or pursued on the street is more vulnerable to risk. Until racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, police brutality, and violence against minorities ceases to exist, masking will continue to exist. However, there are safe, supportive, accepting people and spaces where one can begin the unmasking process without fear of consequences. It can be very healing to spend time with others with whom you feel good unmasking around.

The cost of masking

Masking in your day-to-day life can take a significant toll on your mental and emotional health. The effort to hide your autistic qualities takes more effort than you may have the energy for, and after a while of masking all the time, this can lead to autistic burnout. Masking can also lead to anxiety, depression and identity confusion. Many late-identified autistics may reach a point — or several periods — in their lives where they realize that continuing to to mask is intolerable to them and they are looking for a change.

Having regular unmasked time to be yourself can give you a break to rest and recover from the drain of constantly performing. However, you should never feel pressured to remove that mask if you don’t want to, you’re not ready or you feel like it would be uncomfortable to do so.

Taking the steps to unmasking as an autistic adult

Recognizing that you’re masking and making the choice to try to remove that mask is a personal decision and a huge step in moving toward a life of authenticity. Unmasking should be done at your own pace and only when, or if, you feel ready. But it can be confusing to know how to start.

So what does unmasking autism as an adult look like? Here are a few ways to get started:

Recognize your behaviors that you do alone that make you feel happy and relaxed.

Identify trusted people in your life who you can feel comfortable unmasking around at first.

Be aware of patterns and behaviors that you’re only doing to make others comfortable at the detriment of your own comfort level.

Work to unlearn the negative beliefs you have heard about your traits, such as stimming being “weird.”

Take pride in your passions by finding others with the same interests.

NeuroSpark will stand by your side during your unmasking journey

It can be confusing to rediscover, or maybe discover for the first time, your true way of being. When you’re ready, the freedom of being able to be yourself can be a very freeing, enlightening, and gratifying process.

You’re the only person who can decide what feels comfortable, safe, and authentic to you. We’re here to support you in your identity exploration and unmasking process on your own terms.

Our one-on-one coaching and autism-affirming therapy can help you connect with yourself, your needs, and what you want in your life. We are also offering therapy in select states and are taking great care to consciously expand our network of neurodiversity-affirming therapy to include more states.

Contact our team today for more information or to schedule a consultation.