Fear of Being Perceived

The fear of being perceived, which can also be described as the fear of “being seen,” is a particularly intense experience for many neurodivergent people. Whether autistic, ADHD, or otherwise neurodivergent, individuals who experience this fear often feel hyperaware of how they are viewed by others. This anxiety can be exacerbated by societal expectations and the pressure to conform to neurotypical norms, which can lead to masking, emotional exhaustion, and self-doubt. Understanding why it occurs and how it manifests in behavior can help neurodivergent individuals find ways to cope with and alleviate the fear of being perceived.

What Does the Fear of Being Perceived Feel Like?

For neurodivergent individuals, the fear of being perceived can feel all-encompassing, consuming one’s thoughts and influencing behavior in nearly every social situation. This fear can stem from the subconscious belief that one’s differences will be scrutinized or judged negatively by others, which is often created through numerous uncomfortable or judgemental social interactions. Deep down, this fear is often related to the potential consequences of being oneself, whether that be judgment from others, confrontation, missed opportunities, and more.

This fear of being seen or perceived manifests both emotionally and mentally in a variety of ways, and can vary from person to person.

Hyperawareness of Behavior: Neurodivergent people might constantly mask or monitor themselves, second-guessing every word, movement, or expression, out of concern that their neurodivergent traits are too visible. For example, ADHDers may worry that their restlessness or forgetfulness makes them appear unreliable, while autistic individuals might fear that their body language or social cues aren’t matching neurotypical expectations. This hyperawareness can make it difficult to stay present, contributing to nervous system dysregulation, anxiety, and challenges with attention.
Heightened Self-Criticism: The fear of being perceived often comes with an internalized critical voice. Neurodivergent people may feel like they’re constantly falling short of societal standards, making them more likely to engage in self-doubt and harsh self-evaluation. Many neurodivergent people have experienced harsh judgment from others for their natural traits, causing them to internalize these criticisms and continue placing them onto themselves. This self-criticism can also lead to projecting these negative beliefs, which can make it difficult for neurodivergent people to trust other people and assume that they are also judgmental, even if this is not really the case.
Anxiety and Panic: The fear of being perceived can trigger anxiety, ranging from a mild unease in social situations to full-blown panic attacks or autistic meltdowns. Neurodivergent people may feel physical symptoms like a racing heart, shortness of breath, or even an overwhelming urge to retreat or shut down. This intense nervous system dysregulation can be incredibly uncomfortable and downright painful, sometimes causing ND folks to avoid situations where these feelings may arise. Since avoiding social situations feels safer, many ND folks who struggle with this fear may experience intense loneliness that feels inescapable.
Feeling Exposed: For many neurodivergent individuals, being perceived equates to feeling vulnerable, as though they are being judged for not fitting the mold of neurotypical expectations. This fear can make interactions feel like a performance, where any deviation from perceived “normalcy” will be scrutinized or misunderstood.

Why Does the Fear of Being Perceived Occur?

The fear of being perceived often stems from the social pressures placed on neurodivergent individuals to fit in with neurotypical norms and mask their natural neurodivergent traits. There are several factors that can contribute to this fear that are common among neurodivergent individuals.

Societal Expectations and Norms: From an early age, neurodivergent individuals are often taught, either explicitly or implicitly, that their behaviors and ways of thinking are wrong or abnormal. Schools, workplaces, and social environments can all reinforce the idea that there is a “right” way to behave. As a result, neurodivergent individuals may grow up feeling that they must hide their true selves in order to be accepted. Being messaged that the way you naturally are is “wrong” from a young age can certainly lead to a fear of being perceived.
Masking: Many neurodivergent individuals engage in masking, which is a coping mechanism in which they suppress their natural behaviors and imitate neurotypical behaviors to blend in. Masking can involve forcing eye contact, mimicking social cues, denying special interests, or suppressing stimming. Many neurodivergent women especially engage in masking behaviors. While masking helps individuals avoid judgment in the short term, it often comes at the cost of authenticity and emotional exhaustion. Because masking is so draining and uncomfortable, ND folks may associate these feelings with being perceived by others, further contributing to the fear.
Internalized Ableism: Many neurodivergent individuals experience internalized ableism due to being raised surrounded by the belief that being neurodivergent is inherently less desirable than being neurotypical. This internalized ableism can lead to shame about one’s differences, resulting in the fear that being truly seen will expose them as “deficient” or “wrong.” Oftentimes, internalized ableism is not something that is conscious. Many ND folks don’t even realize they are experiencing internalized ableism and may even be advocates for neurodiversity acceptance on the outside! However, these deeply ingrained beliefs are hard to overcome and can further contribute to the subconscious fear of being perceived.
Trauma and Past Negative Experiences: Many neurodivergent individuals have experienced bullying, rejection, or misunderstanding due to their differences. These negative experiences create lasting emotional wounds, making individuals more likely to fear judgment and anticipate rejection in future interactions. This can make it very difficult to trust other people and it can create a vicious cycle that further ingrains one’s fear of being perceived.
Perfectionism and Performance Anxiety: The fear of being perceived can also stem from perfectionism. Neurodivergent people may feel the need to constantly perform or present themselves in a way that meets external expectations, leading to anxiety over the idea of making mistakes or appearing different. This can be connected to masking, but it can also be connected to rigid thinking that there are “correct” and “incorrect” ways of being. For ND people who experience perfectionism and performance anxiety, not being perceived at all can feel easier than having to live up to their idea of “perfect” that they have in their minds.

How Do People Act When They Experience the Fear of Being Perceived?

When neurodivergent individuals experience the fear of being perceived, their actions and behaviors may shift in an effort to minimize the risk of judgment. These behaviors can range from subtle adjustments to more extreme actions that impact their well-being.

Masking: As mentioned earlier, masking is a frequent response to the fear of being perceived. Neurodivergent individuals may suppress their natural behaviors, such as stimming, talking about special interests, or communicating in their preferred style, to blend in with neurotypical people. This act of "hiding" can be exhausting and emotionally draining, but it may feel like the only option to avoid scrutiny. Lots of ND folks mask subconsciously, and learning to unmask can be a long and tiring process. For those that mask heavily, they may not even realize that they have a fear of being perceived because masking has been such an integral part of their life experience.
Avoidance of Social Situations: Neurodivergent people who fear being perceived may avoid social situations altogether to minimize their chances of judgment. They may decline invitations to events, avoid speaking up in meetings or classes, or retreat into isolation as a form of self-protection. This can create short-term anxiety relief, but it can also contribute to intense loneliness that can have far worse consequences down the road.
Over-Apologizing: Those with a fear of being perceived might constantly apologize for their behavior, even when they haven’t done anything wrong. This may stem from an ingrained belief that their neurodivergent traits are inherently problematic or disruptive. Over-apologizing can become a compulsion for some people in an attempt to alleviate the anxiety surrounding their “incorrect” behavior. This can create further anxiety spirals because while they may feel the intense need to apologize, they can also recognize that people may not appreciate this behavior, either.
People-Pleasing: Neurodivergent individuals may go out of their way to please others, even at the expense of their own needs. They might take on more work than they can handle, say “yes” when they want to say “no,” or avoid confrontation in order to be seen as agreeable or non-threatening.
Hypervigilance: The fear of being perceived can lead to hypervigilance, where neurodivergent individuals become highly attuned to others' reactions. They may read into every facial expression or tone of voice, trying to gauge whether they are being judged or rejected.
Overthinking and Ruminating: After social interactions, neurodivergent people may replay conversations and scenarios in their minds, scrutinizing their own behavior and wondering whether they were “too much” or “not enough.” This can lead to a cycle of overthinking and self-doubt that reinforces the fear of being perceived.

What Actions Might the Fear of Being Perceived Cause?

The fear of being perceived can have significant effects on both mental health and daily life. It may lead neurodivergent individuals to take certain actions, some of which might have long-term consequences.

Withdrawing from Social Connections: To protect themselves from judgment, neurodivergent people may withdraw from friendships, romantic relationships, and community involvement. While this may offer temporary relief from the fear of being perceived, it can ultimately lead to loneliness, isolation, and a sense of disconnection from others.
Burnout: Constantly masking and trying to live up to societal expectations can lead to burnout. Neurodivergent individuals may feel emotionally and physically depleted from the effort of hiding their true selves, which can contribute to anxiety, depression, and overall mental exhaustion.
Suppression of Identity: In an attempt to fit in and avoid being perceived in a negative way, neurodivergent people may suppress their unique traits and interests. This suppression can lead to a sense of identity loss, where they no longer feel in touch with who they truly are.
Career and Academic Avoidance: The fear of being perceived may cause neurodivergent individuals to hesitate in pursuing certain careers, academic paths, or opportunities that align with their interests. They may fear that their neurodivergent traits will be exposed and criticized in professional or academic settings.
Striving for Perfection: Neurodivergent individuals may become perfectionistic, believing that if they do everything “right,” they will be less likely to be judged. This constant striving for perfection can be paralyzing and prevent them from taking risks or showing their authentic selves.

How to Cope with the Fear of Being Perceived

While the fear of being perceived can feel overwhelming, there are steps neurodivergent individuals can take to manage this fear and embrace their authentic selves. These strategies focus on self-compassion, boundary-setting, and self-advocacy:

Practice Self-Compassion: One of the most important steps in overcoming the fear of being perceived is practicing self-compassion. Neurodivergent individuals should remind themselves that their differences are not flaws; they are simply part of who they are. Self-compassion involves being kind to oneself, acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes, and recognizing that it’s okay to be different.
Build a Support Network: Surrounding oneself with supportive, understanding people can help reduce the fear of being judged and seen. Neurodivergent individuals should seek out friends, family members, or communities who appreciate them for who they are and celebrate their neurodivergent traits. In safe spaces, neurodivergent people can practice unmasking and being their true selves without fear of judgment.
Challenge Internalized Ableism: To combat the fear of being perceived, it’s important to challenge the societal messages that neurodivergent traits are undesirable or wrong. Neurodivergent individuals can remind themselves that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to think, feel, or behave. Everyone has unique strengths and challenges, and neurodivergence is simply one way of existing in the world.
Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries with people who are judgmental or unsupportive is crucial. Neurodivergent individuals don’t have to mask or conform to please others, and they should feel empowered to distance themselves from relationships or environments that make them feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
Engage in Self-Advocacy: Self-advocacy is about speaking up for one’s needs and rights. Neurodivergent people can work on communicating their boundaries, accommodations, and preferences in social, work, or academic settings. Advocating for oneself helps reduce the pressure to mask or conform and promotes a more authentic way of engaging with the world.
Embrace Unmasking: While unmasking can feel risky, it is an important step toward self-acceptance. Neurodivergent individuals can start by gradually allowing themselves to unmask in safe environments, whether it’s by stimming freely, expressing their true thoughts, or talking about their special interests. Over time, unmasking can help reduce the fear of being perceived and promote greater self-confidence.

Conclusion

The fear of being perceived is a common and often overwhelming experience for neurodivergent individuals, but it is not insurmountable. By practicing self-compassion, challenging internalized ableism, and embracing unmasking, neurodivergent people can reduce the fear of being perceived and the fear of judgment in order to live more authentically. Recognizing that everyone’s brain works differently and that neurodivergent traits are not flaws is key to breaking free from the pressure to conform.