Neurodivergent Love Languages

By Cat Salladin

Love languages—those special ways we show and receive affection—are at the heart of any relationship, whether it be a romantic relationship, friendship, or family. They help us connect with the people we care about, and encapsulate how we express and experience love. For us neurodivergent individuals, these love languages may manifest in deeply personal ways that may differ from what is considered the “norm”. Understanding neurodivergent love languages can enrich our relationships, helping us appreciate and connect with the people we love on a deeper level. Understanding some of the preferred ways we as neurodivergent people express and receive love can also help us create better relationships with and deeper love for our true selves.
 

What Are Love Languages?

The concept of love languages was introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages. While Chapman’s perspective on love languages has garnered its fair share of criticism, there is definitely some merit to the idea that there are many ways in which people love. He originally posited that everyone has a preferred way of giving and receiving love that falls into one of five categories: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. However, for us neurodivergent folks, these love languages might be expressed differently because brains process emotions and relationships differently. Some of these common neurodivergent love languages include infodumping, parallel play or body doubling, sharing spoons, deep pressure, and penguin pebbling. Understanding your own love language, as well as your partner’s or whoever else you’re expressing love to, can help strengthen your relationship by ensuring that everyone feels seen, understood, and appreciated.
 

What Are the Neurodivergent Love Languages?

Infodumping

One of the most intimate and personal love languages in the neurodivergent community is infodumping. Infodumping is the act of sharing detailed and passionate information about a topic of interest, often in great depth and with immense enthusiasm. For many neurodivergent individuals, particularly autistic people, infodumping is not just a way to share knowledge—it's a way to connect, communicate affection, and express our true selves.

Infodumping occurs when we dive into a topic they are passionate about, often sharing facts, insights, and details that we find fascinating. This could be anything from the history of a particular event, the intricacies of a hobby, detailed information about a certain character or TV show, or, really, anything else. While it might seem like just a lot of information to some, for the person infodumping, it can be an expression of joy, enthusiasm, and even love. 

For neurodivergent individuals, infodumping can be a powerful way to bond with others. It’s not just about the information being shared—it’s about the connection that comes from sharing something that is deeply meaningful. When we infodump, we offer a piece of ourselves, inviting the listener into our world and hoping to create a shared experience. When ND people infodump, that means that we feel safe and supported. Rarely do we feel comfortable infodumping with someone who doesn’t make us feel safe. When we infodump on you, that means that you make us feel comfortable enough to share some of the more intimate workings of our brains. We are saying, “This is something that matters to me, and I want to share it with you.”

For the person on the receiving end, listening to an infodump is a way to show love and appreciation to the neurodivergent person. By engaging with the information, asking questions, and showing genuine interest, you validate our passions and make us feel valued. Even if the topic is not something you would usually be interested in, the act of listening attentively can be a powerful way to connect.

Infodumping as a love language is also about authenticity. Us neurodivergent individuals often face pressure to mask our true selves or suppress our interests to fit social norms. In a supportive relationship, the freedom to infodump without judgment allows us to be our authentic selves. 
 

Parallel Play and Body Doubling

In the realm of neurodivergent love languages, parallel play and body doubling are common experiences that can help us feel connected. These practices, often overlooked in traditional relationship dynamics, can provide a meaningful way for us neurodivergent folks to express and receive love while honoring our need for both connection and personal space.

Parallel play is a concept seen in early childhood development, where children play side by side without directly interacting with each other. In neurodivergent relationships, we often enjoy extending this into adulthood, offering a way for us to be together without the pressure of direct engagement. Whether it's sitting side by side while reading, working on separate creative projects, or simply enjoying quiet activities in the same room, parallel play allows us to share space and presence in a way that feels comfortable and natural.

Body doubling is a similar concept where one person works on a task while another is present in the same space, providing silent support and encouragement. This practice can be particularly helpful and meaningful for ADHDers or others who experience executive functioning challenges. Having a partner or loved one nearby while working on a task can help reduce feelings of overwhelm, increase focus, and make daunting tasks feel more manageable.

In relationships, body doubling and parallel play can be a powerful love language that offers connection and support without the added demand of social interaction. The simple act of being physically present together while tackling a difficult task or engaging in something enjoyable can convey care, interest, and understanding. It’s a way of saying, “I’m here with you, I'm interested in your experiences, and I’m here for you,” without the need for words.
 

Sharing Spoons and Support Swapping

In the neurodivergent community, the concepts of "sharing spoons" and "support swapping" are love languages that embody mutual care, understanding, and the recognition of each other's limits. These practices, rooted in the Spoon Theory and the principle of reciprocal support, offer ways for us neurodivergent people to express love, build trust, and create a balanced, nurturing relationship.

Spoon Theory, introduced by Christine Miserandino, is a metaphor used to explain the limited energy resources that people with chronic illnesses, disabilities, or neurodivergent individuals often experience. Each "spoon" represents a unit of energy, and everyday tasks, such as getting out of bed, socializing, or working, require a certain number of spoons. When someone runs out of spoons, they may be unable to continue with daily activities, necessitating rest or recovery. When someone is continuously low on spoons, they may enter autistic burnout.

The concept of spoons extends beyond physical energy to include mental, emotional, and sensory resources. The demands of navigating a neurotypical world, managing sensory sensitivities, or coping with social interactions can quickly deplete spoons. Understanding and respecting this limited energy is crucial in neurodivergent relationships, and sharing spoons becomes a way to show love, empathy, and support.

In a relationship, sharing spoons means recognizing when your partner is low on energy and offering some of your own spoons to help them through. This could manifest in many ways: taking on extra household tasks when your partner is exhausted, providing emotional support when they’re overwhelmed, or simply being there to listen when they need to vent. Sharing spoons is about being attuned to each other's needs and stepping in to offer help when one partner is running low.

This love language is rooted in empathy and understanding. It acknowledges the fluctuating nature of energy levels and the importance of mutual support. By sharing spoons, partners demonstrate that they are not only aware of each other's limits but are also willing to adjust their own resources to ensure both individuals are cared for. This act of sharing and supporting one another strengthens the bond between partners and increases feelings of trust and safety.
 

Deep Pressure

Deep pressure is something that some ND folks find soothing and grounding, revolving around a firm, consistent pressure on the body. This can be expressed through various forms of touch, such as firm hugs, weighted blankets, or massages. For many neurodivergent individuals, especially those with sensory processing differences, deep pressure can provide a sense of calm, security, and connection that goes beyond typical expressions of affection.

In relationships, deep pressure can become an impactful love language, offering comfort and connection in a way that is deeply attuned to neurodivergent needs. For someone who finds the world overwhelming or anxiety-inducing, a firm hug or the comforting weight of a partner’s hand can be an expression of love and support. It says, “I am here with you, I understand what you need, and I’m providing it in a way that brings you peace.”

Deep pressure as a love language isn’t just about physical touch; it’s about recognizing and meeting sensory needs. For example, a partner who knows their loved one finds comfort in deep pressure might instinctively offer a hug during times of stress or in times of autistic hyperarousal, bring over a weighted blanket when they see them getting overwhelmed, or even apply gentle pressure to the shoulders or back to help them relax. These actions convey deep empathy and understanding, showing that the partner is attuned to the specific ways in which their loved one experiences the world. For me, personally, when I am feeling overwhelmed I appreciate when my partner simply lays on me, putting their whole weight across my body. This is incredibly soothing and not only calms my nervous system, but also makes me feel connected and secure in the relationship. 

With anything in relationships, especially things requiring touch, it is essential to respect boundaries and ensure that any form of deep pressure is welcomed. While deep pressure can be incredibly soothing for some, others may not find it comfortable or may only want it in certain situations. Understanding and respecting these boundaries is key to making deep pressure a positive and effective love language.
 

Penguin Pebbling

Penguin pebbling is a love language that takes inspiration from the behavior of penguins, where one penguin presents a pebble to another penguin as a gesture of affection and commitment. In the context of neurodivergent relationships, penguin pebbling represents the act of giving small, thoughtful gifts as a way to show love, appreciation, and connection. These gifts are often symbolic rather than material, carrying deeper emotional significance that resonates with the unique ways neurodivergent individuals express and experience love.

For those of us who may struggle with traditional verbal expressions of affection, penguin pebbling becomes a way to communicate love in a tangible, concrete manner. It could be anything from giving a partner their favorite snack, leaving a handwritten note, sharing a special object, or gifting something that reminds them of an inside joke or shared experience. These small acts are often more than just gifts; they are expressions of understanding, thoughtfulness, and deep emotional connection.

Some of my favorite ways to use penguin pebbling as a love language are to make playlists for my partner, leave handwritten notes, make her favorite drink, or get her a snack when she’s busy. These small acts and gifts may seem insignificant, but, in reality, they’re important ways to show love and promote connection. 
 

Creating Your Own Neurodivergent Love Language

While these 5 neurodivergent love languages provide a helpful framework for understanding how we express and receive love, they’re not one-size-fits-all. One of the most empowering things you can do in a relationship is to create your own unique love language, one that reflects your neurotype, preferences, and needs.

This might involve blending elements of the traditional love languages from Dr. Chapman, the neurodivergent ones described in this article, and your own unique ways of connecting to create patterns and habits in your own relationships. For example, a couple might create a love language around shared routines, where engaging in familiar activities together becomes a way of expressing love and security. Or they might develop a system of nonverbal communication, using gestures or specific objects to convey affection and support.

Ultimately, the goal is to create a love language that feels authentic and meaningful to both partners. This requires open communication, empathy, and a willingness to explore and experiment with different ways of connecting. For more tips and info on neurodiversity and relationships, visit our resource list.